just_drifting_6

Over the last couple of months I have developed this warped fascination with hugs. You know, those big bear hugs that threaten to just swallow you up. I have the idea in my mind that these hugs can just make the world disappear and everything okay again, even if just for a little while. I have yet to experience one of these specific hugs, but even so, for me there are only certain people who can grant them, my parent’s not included.

I remember the day I first found Smellyia. I was desperate for something to read and was scrolling through Jandco’s favourites list when I stumbled across When We Drove All Night. The summary intrigued me so I clicked the link. I loved.

I finished WWDAN, utterly amazed by the genius that is Smellyia. How she had created something so simple, yet it was also so amazingly deep and meaningful. It’s the kind of story that feels like a punch in the gut but in a good way. I was in awe of this author and wanting more. I clicked her penname and found Disaffected.

This was a story I could relate to on a more personal level. I could emphasize, and still can, with her Bella and I felt like she was me almost, except more grown up. She had already made the mistakes I am leading towards. But, it wasn’t Bella that first had me sold to this story; it was that itty-bitty Doctor Who reference Smellyia put in there. However, I felt the need to correct a tiny misconception she made (she said Christopher Eccleston was the first doctor when actually he’s the ninth, if you count old!who). She replied.

I’m sure Smellyia won’t remember me but what followed was just a couple of PM’s in which we talked a little bit about Doctor Who, I admitted that, although I loved WWDAN, it had confused me a little and she in turn recommended some stories that she thought would better suit my age (coughbullshitcough, I went on to read Wide Awake). It was only a few PMs, but every time I clicked on that link to her profile page and saw that sweet face with the kind, cheeky smile, I felt that same yearning and I knew that she was one of them. She could give me that hug I craved.

I suppose that is what led me to do it. The unthinkable. I spilled my guts to her and she ignored me (not that I blame her in the slightest). But, although she probably doesn’t remember me because I was just one of many, I can remember almost every word, every message, we exchanged, even months later. She may not realize it, but just talking to her helped me through a lot.

And even now, when I see that photo of her, I feel like she can make everything okay again for awhile, because really, she has. You all have. It’s not just Smellyia. There are too many people to name, but talking to anyone in this fandom lifts me just above that line of depression I feel myself sinking into.

So, to the adults in the fandom. You have all been there for us. You have given us guidance and friendship. You have been mothers, friends, teachers and role models for us all. This is a small way for us to pay you back for all you’ve done for us, for all you’ve given us and a way of saying thank you, we really do appreciate it.

We hope you enjoy. And hopefully it’ll get a bit bigger than just me rambling on…